can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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