Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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