Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Randomize
