I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
