accomplished twins. life is a go
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My ass is underappreciated
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
