im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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