I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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