remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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