You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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