I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
