wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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