Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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