I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
