So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
