i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
