So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
