Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Dear god my vagina.
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