I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
