Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
