**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
