No awkward lesbian experiences without me
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
