she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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