don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
