Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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