The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
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He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
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The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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