I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
