im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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