Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
