i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
