True but thats because hes a fetus.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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