Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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