the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
