i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
being pregnant is like rehab
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
