My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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