We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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