I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
