I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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