Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
