I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
