I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
