just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
