Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
