i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
