I accidentally burped into my bong.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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