Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Acid is not a monday night drug
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
