He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I am available for nakedness
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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