So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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