so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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