I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
