Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
