Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
