Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
