if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
