I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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