i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
